Needs vs. Wants

I struggle on a daily basis in my life with the WANT to run away and the NEED to stay put. I watch everything around me say, don't run, don't run, don't run, and yet I have run away from my responsibilities and place in the world all summer long. I have run away with my words, my emotions, my actions, my body. I am tired, and everyone else is tired of me and my whining, and I don't blame them. My emotional immaturity coupled with my emotional and physical exhaustion from my wife's illness has made a mess of my life and relationships. I lose my temper continually and cause her pain and suffering I would never want to create or endure. And then I run away from the house and I see it for the painful, exasperatingly slow decline that it is and I regain my footing and come back. My wife, just younger than I in years but oh! So much older than I spiritually and emotionally, waits me out, knowing I will regain my footing and come back. She knows how much I care for her and how losing a bit of her each day is destroying me. Or changing me into someone I do not know. She knows I want a different life than the one we share now, and that I have for sometime. And she waits while I swing from what I want to what I need to do, endlessly.

I was raised on responsibility. I was told from a young age that to those whom great gifts are given, great responsibility is also given. I was the one friends' parents trusted. If I were driving, it would be ok, they said. If I were going to the party, everything would be fine, they agreed. All my life I have been the one held accountable for my own and others' behaviors and choices. And I am road weary from it. I want to just be accountable for me, just be responsible for me, just do what I need and want without explanation or compromise. I chaff endlessly at the bit of responsibility in my mouth. And then I go do the laundry, reload a chaotic dishwasher, carry the heavy box.

Mostly, I endure.